Directions

By Sammi Leigh Melville

 

"Big yellow building, end of the hall, to the right, three doors to the left."

I mumble it to myself while I'm at the Quik-Mart, grabbing ibuprofen and a bag of Funyuns, then again while I walk back, balancing on the curb.

"Big yellow building, end of the hall, to the right, three doors to the left. Big yellow building, end of the hall, to the right, three doors to the left."

They used to tease me about my mumbling, but it's better than losing my sense of direction, my place in reality altogether. I thread together moments through repetition, constant reminders, and mnemonic devices. Your brain recognizes patterns, has a knack for familiarity, mine has the attention of a squirrel. Mother worries that people will take advantage of me. So I repeat. "Big yellow building, end of the hall, to the right, three doors to the right."

It took me years for Mother to even let me out of the apartment—I don't know how many times I've shown up on strangers' doorsteps, crying, how many times I've been brought to the police, how many days Mother has had to come get me, a tearful mess, having searched the neighborhood for hours—but there are times it's inevitable, when her headaches get the best of her, times she can't even stand to go to the bathroom or call off sick from work.

Mother used to say that bad things always came in threes. Divorce, poverty, and me. No, not you, she'd say, scrambling to give me a hug, just the circumstances that come with you sometimes, I still love you. She doesn't use that adage anymore.

I jump to avoid a puddle, and hurry down the street to the big yellow building I call home. Mother is waiting; it's one of those times. The Funyuns are for me.
"Big yellow building, end of the hall, to the left, three doors to the right." Almost there.

 

Sammi Leigh Melville lives in Harrisburg, PA with her two cats, Charlie and Loren. She is the author of the YA fantasy book, The Fields, writes film reviews for The Burg, and performs longform improv, in an attempt to work story telling into every aspect of her life (except for the cats. Okay, maybe she tells stories to her cats).